Impulse


I find the best time to live is when I’m not thinking,

Just acting on impulse,

The hidden feelings past the clouds of judgment formed in my own mind,

’cause when I think, I break,

On those thoughts I act

I feel fake,

I’m a calculated robot

There’s no risk I would take,

And when my dreams fail,

I’m consumed with self-hate,

I look to the sky and accept my fate,

That if I keep living in tomorrow,

There will be no sense of today,

There will be no concept of now,

And my soul won’t escape,

The false perception of truth

That I chase day after day.

For I am looking for myself in a day that doesn’t exist

I am here now, but my flesh and bones can’t resist,

To find fault in today and for tomorrow persist,

Thinking I can change, so each day I lunge with my fists,

For eternity punching a wall, drowning in a bloody sarcophagus.

“Why can’t I be happy?” I repeat,

Over and over again,

Days become weeks, weeks become months become years,

And I’m left covered in blood,

This fight only leaving me tears.

But yet, there are two sides to every coin,

Channel that fight for tomorrow for today,

Fight for what you can feel, and what your heart refuses to disbelieve,

You are the main character of your life,

Don’t be afraid to grit those teeth and bleed,

You deserve more,

You are more,

Now stand up, and lead.

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All in a Days Disappointment


I work out and grew thirty pounds,

Built a wall of muscle around my heart,

But women still make me weak,

My heart rate accelerates,

And I become scared to speak,

I look big,

But on the inside, I feel so small

I sometimes loathe the feelings I get,

So sometimes, I loathe myself,

Because any synonym of love, makes me feel pain,

Why would I want to feel something that haunts my heart

And blurs my brain?

Why do I have to feel, that I need you?

And why does this concept of ‘you’ even exist?

Yet my heart persists, that it can get past this shame,

These feelings, they’re a game,

I don’t want to have any feelings for you,

I don’t want to,

I don’t want you,

But my soul doesn’t feel the same,

My existence is at war,

And the battles are between the walls that now define my heart and my brain,

I can’t escape, I am slain,

Trapped in a world where women leave,

When even a subtle hint of my feelings become plain,

Only to despise myself in the end,

For daring to share more than my name.

 

 

Why Can’t I, Feel?


Do we do things because we must

Or because we feel it in our hearts?

Where does love end

And where does ritual start?

It seems like I keep going through the motions

And I can’t tell the two apart.

My heart is numb,

But my brain is sharp,

Yet I don’t know if I act in light

Or lag in the shadows of the dark.

I tell myself that my intentions are true,

But my actions of sincerity are far and few

Non-existent to you,

And lately, I have been viewing love like an obligation

A donation here

A smile there.

I pity you

I envy you

You have a heart

And I don’t have any clue

Where I should go

Or what I should do.

Why can’t I feel?

I can touch

But I can’t feel

They say that my heart beats

But I can’t feel

This distant soul shivers in its shell

But I can’t feel.

I want others to hear my heart beat

But, why can’t I feel?

Til My Last


My impulse goes to the wind,

As I begin to recollect, what it means to feel again,

The weight of love,

And the struggle of not being loved back,

The relationship between romance and purpose,

And gauging my emptiness until my soul turns black,

The thoughts that ruled my youth,

My self-inflicted heart attacks,

That, corrupted my head,

With poison and dread,

To the point where love is now terrifying,

‘Cause a year ago it left me for dead,

Shotgun wound to the chest, I was bleeding out in my bed,

And as my heart was leaking,

I caught Death winking, and he kissed me on the head,

He then bent over and said:

“This is not dying, only an illusion

You need to suffer once to silence the confusion,

Though you may be here again,

This state won’t be the end,

One day you’ll be happy,

You’ll be in love with your best friend.”

He then left, leaving but a scar on my chest,

I too felt a hole in my heart,

But I made a promise, with myself I will fill up the rest,

Because if I can’t be happy with myself,

I can’t give anyone my best,

So with my all, I will try,

To love til my last breath.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Smile


I’ve become so strong, yet I can’t help but to feel restless,

Around you I can feel my heart beat, you make me weak,

And my mind’s become obsessive,

Maybe its because my feelings are far and few between,

Maybe its because I’m a lost servant who can’t remember

The last time I’ve served a Queen,

Nor can remember the emotions behind,

Love and romantic times,

The highs and lows,

Trust or touch, and it shows,

That I’m helpless and impatient

‘Cause my mind only knows,

How to think about you,

And my face glows,

When I see you,

‘Cause from all this time, I knew,

You’re the only one in the whole world who smiles more,

Than I do.

Enjoy the Rest


Haven’t wrote a poem in so long ’cause I forgot what’s it like to be sad,

Can’t even sit and reminisce, because I forgot the pain that I had,

It doesn’t take any effort, don’t got to fake it to be glad,

I just live one day at a time, sounds like a crime, don’t hate don’t be mad,

You can be happy too, just take a deep breath,

Look all around you because you have infinite opportunities,

If you fail, you have an infinite amount left,

Smile because inside you’re flawed but can be beautiful,

And take pride when you’re at you’re best,

Spend time with the people you love,

And you’ll always feel blessed,

Chase the happiness in your heart,

Get high off of it and become obsessed,

Because life is too short,

So please, enjoy the rest.

Fear


People can be replaced,

As my thoughts for you are erased,

I used to love you, and now, I don’t care,

But when I look deep into my eyes,

I feel pain, and I see you there,

I see loneliness,

And I see you there,

I see bitterness, and

I see you there,

But you’re not there,

Only your lasting impression,

Failure and the embodiment of my fears.