I don’t know what to write, because all I want to do is hide

Today I looked into your eyes, and all my confidence had died

My heart has been shackled, by a loving riptide.

But why does this cause my mind,

To only conjure cyanide?

My soul is being poisoned,

By thoughts of you and I,

You only see me smile,

Yet, I only want to weep, when you’re by my side.

So I hide, and I fake, and I lie,

Reluctantly waiting, for this crush to subside.



My eyes bloom wide

As your smile encapsulates the sunshine

I will stare on, til my heart overflows

Or til I go blind,

For no matter how hard I look,

Not a more beautiful person I can find,

And nevermind, if we cannot be together

You and I will live forever,

On the inside,

From our first hug,

To our last departing cry,

For true happiness is not an object,

It’s the bond, between you and I.

Grateful for

Growing up is not what it seems,

Sometimes I can’t feel my heart,

And when I do, it’s reminded of fleeting dreams,

It seems that all I chase is the next day, and flimsy green things,

Equating money with happiness, but regret is all it brings,

I always have trouble moving forward,

But time continually moves behind the scenes,

I feel like I’m handcuffed to a sinking ship,

I’m underwater and no one can hear my screams,

Slowly dying inside, this existence is but a fling,

These are the words of my mind,

Leaving me to rot in its suffering,

But today my heart can feel, past my shaken dreams,

I feel my sadness is a choice,

And that I can be grateful for so many things,

There’s so much to be happy for, if I could do it well I would sing,

I’m grateful for the adversity life gave to shape me,

And all the opportunities hard work and patience brings,

My beautiful flaws that make me far from perfect,

And the amazing people that love me despite these things,

I don’t want to waste my life being down and out,

Drowning underwater and choking on desperate screams,

No, I want to shout and press on,

Because I am much more, than nothing.


I want to feel something real other than this pain,

Anxiety and guilt have been creeping into my brain,

I can’t count the days that feel the same,

1 day, 1 week, 1 year, life is a twisted game,

That takes life’s sorrows and makes you feel that you’re to blame,

But I’ve been feeling numb and its a shame,

That this world has left me heartless and in darkness,

But my flesh feels too comfortable to change.


I find the best time to live is when I’m not thinking,

Just acting on impulse,

The hidden feelings past the clouds of judgment formed in my own mind,

’cause when I think, I break,

On those thoughts I act

I feel fake,

I’m a calculated robot

There’s no risk I would take,

And when my dreams fail,

I’m consumed with self-hate,

I look to the sky and accept my fate,

That if I keep living in tomorrow,

There will be no sense of today,

There will be no concept of now,

And my soul won’t escape,

The false perception of truth

That I chase day after day.

For I am looking for myself in a day that doesn’t exist

I am here now, but my flesh and bones can’t resist,

To find fault in today and for tomorrow persist,

Thinking I can change, so each day I lunge with my fists,

For eternity punching a wall, drowning in a bloody sarcophagus.

“Why can’t I be happy?” I repeat,

Over and over again,

Days become weeks, weeks become months become years,

And I’m left covered in blood,

This fight only leaving me tears.

But yet, there are two sides to every coin,

Channel that fight for tomorrow for today,

Fight for what you can feel, and what your heart refuses to disbelieve,

You are the main character of your life,

Don’t be afraid to grit those teeth and bleed,

You deserve more,

You are more,

Now stand up, and lead.

All in a Days Disappointment

I work out and grew thirty pounds,

Built a wall of muscle around my heart,

But women still make me weak,

My heart rate accelerates,

And I become scared to speak,

I look big,

But on the inside, I feel so small

I sometimes loathe the feelings I get,

So sometimes, I loathe myself,

Because any synonym of love, makes me feel pain,

Why would I want to feel something that haunts my heart

And blurs my brain?

Why do I have to feel, that I need you?

And why does this concept of ‘you’ even exist?

Yet my heart persists, that it can get past this shame,

These feelings, they’re a game,

I don’t want to have any feelings for you,

I don’t want to,

I don’t want you,

But my soul doesn’t feel the same,

My existence is at war,

And the battles are between the walls that now define my heart and my brain,

I can’t escape, I am slain,

Trapped in a world where women leave,

When even a subtle hint of my feelings become plain,

Only to despise myself in the end,

For daring to share more than my name.



Why Can’t I, Feel?

Do we do things because we must

Or because we feel it in our hearts?

Where does love end

And where does ritual start?

It seems like I keep going through the motions

And I can’t tell the two apart.

My heart is numb,

But my brain is sharp,

Yet I don’t know if I act in light

Or lag in the shadows of the dark.

I tell myself that my intentions are true,

But my actions of sincerity are far and few

Non-existent to you,

And lately, I have been viewing love like an obligation

A donation here

A smile there.

I pity you

I envy you

You have a heart

And I don’t have any clue

Where I should go

Or what I should do.

Why can’t I feel?

I can touch

But I can’t feel

They say that my heart beats

But I can’t feel

This distant soul shivers in its shell

But I can’t feel.

I want others to hear my heart beat

But, why can’t I feel?